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 Funny comedy joke time!

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ChrissieInFL
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PostSubject: Funny comedy joke time!   Sat 12 Apr 2008, 19:24

We all could use a laugh now and again, so here's where to find one when you need one. If you have something funny from your fave comic that you want to share, post it here. I'll get the ball rolling with one of my favorites, the late great Bill Hicks:

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is f**king IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL f**king high on drugs. The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.


lol!
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Dabamash
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Sat 12 Apr 2008, 20:12

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

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ChrissieInFL
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Sun 13 Apr 2008, 23:49

Ha! I liked that one!

Here's one for today:

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”
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Dabamash
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:00

heh heh, very good Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:31

THAT was a good one, Chrissie!
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Dabamash
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:53

1. This may offend you (but i thought it was funny at the time)
2. You will probably have already heard it before.



Q: What does DNA stand for?

(Its not really a spoiler, just convenient for hiding the punchline)

Spoiler:
 

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Last edited by Dabamash on Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:01; edited 1 time in total
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ChrissieInFL
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:00

Ha! Haven't heard that one! And ti didn't offedn me at lla.

Laughing
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Dabamash
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:01

good good

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 14 Apr 2008, 18:41

LOL - another good one! And no, not at all offended.
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Topaz
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Tue 15 Apr 2008, 01:03

Pun intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week ...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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ChrissieInFL
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Tue 15 Apr 2008, 02:51

cheers Oh man, Topaz, those were so punny!! Wow, the gauntlet has been thrown down...don't know if I can possibly top that! But I do have some topical humor for the day...

Here in the States, April 15 is the deadline for filing our annual tax returns with the Internal Revenue Service (IRS). In honor of this dubious occasion, here are a few tax-related funnies:

* Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the man replied, "You cannot do this - I am an IRS agent!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

* A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm.
"Do you serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman.
"Of course", says the barman.
"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a
tax collector.”

* A man, called to the IRS office for an audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his pastor, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the pastor. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The pastor explained, “Well you see, no matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Tue 15 Apr 2008, 08:31

I'm all joked out...

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Thu 17 Apr 2008, 20:40

Here's a fake ad for a product that I wish was real...
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Thu 17 Apr 2008, 20:42

Damn, I think I need a constant drip of that stuff Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Thu 17 Apr 2008, 20:44

You, Dabamash? Never!! Oh, wait, now I need some...STAT! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Thu 17 Apr 2008, 20:46

Heh heh lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Fri 23 May 2008, 19:18

I like to "collect" shit jokes...
My current favorites -

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff.

Whats blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Sat 24 May 2008, 03:36

Did you hear about the prize winning scarecrow? He was out standing in his field.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? He turned into a field.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:54

huh wrote:
I like to "collect" shit jokes...
My current favorites -

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff.

Whats blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

oh oh...reminds me on my nickname on the doves forum... Suspect Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:57

Ok, I got one too, but it works best if you read it aloud:

A non-english-man comes to London as a tourist. He has an accident and wakes up in hospital. He asks the nurse panicked: "Came I here to die?" She answers "No yester-daaaay"
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:58

Took me a moment to get that one. But very good.

I've got a good joke but it's a bit riskay, so i've hidden it:

Spoiler:
 

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:04

Good one Daba,
Whats the height of suspicion - ?....
....A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field (
the old ones are the best)
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:54

Very subtle.

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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 27 Apr 2009, 18:14

Whats green and sits in the corner?




A naughty frog.




my sons favourite joke
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PostSubject: Re: Funny comedy joke time!   Mon 27 Apr 2009, 18:37

How do you make a cat flat?

Throw it off a cliff.

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